Trump’s America: A Travel Guide for Europeans


By Gallagher & Schleicher

Lovely Planet, Europe’s most trusted travel guide, has been updated to reflect America’s return to greatness under President Trump, its publishers announced from London today. “We have been inundated since the election with queries from readers desperate to know what to expect on their travels to the USA,” said Clive Snidely, editor in chief. “America is getting so great again, so fast, it’s hard to keep up with all of the winning. We’ll update this periodically as the greatness nonetheless persists.”

Some of the new top tips:

Before you depart—In light of Trump Travel Tenets, check to see if your motherland is on the Sad! List. But if it doesn’t exist (Nambia), you’re fine. Hint: If you don’t see a Trump hotel or resort in your evening skyline, you may be forced to cruise to Canada instead.

Weapons—Don’t dare board a plane with one! It will be issued upon arrival to the States where they are now mandatory for those over the age of 3. Upon departure, you can sell it online or donate it for a church fundraiser. (Assault rifles are popular among the meek.)

Excess baggage—Don’t embarrass yourself by trotting out books, civil discourse or compassion for the [other-than-senior-white-male] underprivileged.

Stay informed—Forget the failing fake news industry. (Such low ratings!) Tune in to Twitter for timely updates on petty political feuds, IQ test challenges, daily policy changes and nuclear annihilation.

Getting around—Public transport is for losers. If you’re the CEO of Uber, use a ride as a chance to vent. For public servants, the president will provide a taxpayer-funded private jet so long as you bring your spouse and aren’t on official business.

Where to stay—Foreign visitors are required to stay at a Trump hotel or resort but will receive a $50/day Facebook advertising credit good for the next two election cycles.

Money—ATMs: readily available but traceable. For much larger amounts, we recommend fraudulent real estate deals. Some spotty coverage but generally available in central Manhattan. Experienced travelers know to bring extra rubles for the intermediaries.

Safety—If you find yourself low on ammo in unknown areas, grab a tiki torch, slap on some khakis, find a Confederate statue and shout angry things. A crowd of supporters will quickly gather. These are very fine people. You can even assault strangers and have them arrested for it.

Music—America remains a vast and fertile land of amazing music of all kinds. Marching band tunes are now the rage; you should leap to your feet immediately upon hearing a trumpet no matter where you are, in case it’s the national anthem. But don’t you dare kneel (unless it’s the presidential motorcade going by).

Nightlife—Every night is Lady’s Night in Trump’s America! Remember, dress like a ten, even if you’re only a four or five. If you get grabbed by the poodle, feel free to report it to the police, assuming it wasn’t the Commander in Chief who did it.

Welcome pack—Don’t forget your complimentary welcome pack, available for purchase for $69 at all major airports: a signature red #MAGA baseball cap, nine-inch stiletto heels in case of hurricanes, a mini-US flag and a copy of the Bible verse about those two Corinthians, all painstakingly hand-crafted by adorable, small-handed children in China.

     Whether Waco’s Magnolia Market, the climate-driven cinder vineyards of Napa Valley, the Trumpland theme park underway in Puerto Rico, or alligator-sighting in the nation’s capital, today’s U.S. of A. offers something for everyone and even more for those at the top. Someday you can wow your great-grandchildren with just-before-the-empire-fell stories of life in this great land across the pond.

David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym. This piece originally appeared in the October 20, 2017 edition of the Waco Tribune-Herald.

The Legend of Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX)

By Gallagher & Schleicher

You know Chip and Joanna Gaines live in Waco and maybe that Willie Nelson did, but do you recall the most famous ex-Wacoan of all? 

We write of Joe Linus Barton, ninth longest-serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives, embedded since 1985. A Republican representing Texas’ 6th district, his sphere of influence runs from Genesis Custom Chemical Blending in downtown Ennis, to the parking lots of Arlington, all the way out to Catfish Plantation in Waxahachie.

We come not to parry with Joe, but to praise him — or at least to reintroduce him to those who may have forgotten their prodigal son. He’ll be up for re-election in in 2018 and, with several Democrats lining up to oppose him, it’s not too early to revisit his record in Washington.

For starters, he boldly voted against funding Hurricane Harvey relief. He understands Congress has more important things to worry about, like his HR 3696, the College Football Playoff Act of 2011, a rehash of his HR 7330 from 2008. He earned an Honorable Mention award from CREW — Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. Granted, it was in their 2011 Most Corrupt Members of Congress report, but an award is an award.

He’s also creative. The Dallas Morning News in February 2010 recognized Barton for his inimitable ability to mix campaign contributions, profitable personal investments and legislation. The Washington Times in 2009 likewise pegged Barton as a financial genius, able to solicit large contributions from large companies for his family foundation, making big public pledges of support to groups like Meals on Wheels — only to be rather stingy when it came time to fulfill those promises. Family man to the end, he put his daughter-in-law Amy on his foundation’s payroll.

Little could classmates at Waco High have guessed that, of 435 members of Congress, only he would inspire a ballad in his honor (hear it at QuidProJoe.com). And let’s not forget Joe was the only member of Congress brave enough (in June 2010) to apologize to BP for the heat it took over what turned out to be merely a billion-dollar, beach-squalor spill of a little Deepwater Horizon oil in four states over 87 days.

Speaking of standing up for what’s right, we can thank Congressman Barton for his 2009 comments in a hearing on renewable energy about wind being “God’s way of balancing heat.” Joe disregarded the perils of global-climate change and temptations of clean-energy jobs in favor of courageously speculating that spinning wind turbines might deplete global wind supplies in a way that makes the planet hotter.

And let every LED light we encounter in the days ahead remind us that hot bulbs will be an experience our grandchildren may never know. When the history of incandescent light bulbs is written, it will be remembered that the Honorable Joe Barton fought the good (losing) fight for the Better Use of Light Bulbs Act. His fondness for inefficiency and excess hot air knows no bounds.

Telling a constituent to “shut up” at a town-hall meeting. Fighting net neutrality rules. Letting a federally paid congressional staffer block his opponent Jana Lynne Sanchez from passing out information at a taxpayer-funded meeting. These are the actions of a congressman who knows the Golden Rule: He who has the gold, rules.

Bills for which Joe Barton is the lead sponsor become law on average about once every three and a half years. Never one to be restrained by age or experience, this is a record only the most junior of his colleagues could match. His HR 2749 in the 101st Congress captured the essence of his tri-decade reign: authorizing transfer of land for a waste water treatment plant.

If you’re trapped in a swamp, look for the alligator with the thickest skin or at least the deepest pockets. Barton is all that and more. You need not fear change so long as he remains in Congress. He even fought his own party over committee chair term-limit rules.

Joe, as the Good Book says, “ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood.” We bow before you, a true Goliath among Capitol Hill’s many giants. Many may call you a son of something else, but to us you’ll always be a son of Waco. We wish you all the success you deserve in the upcoming election.


David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, DC, and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym. This originally appeared in the October 1, 2017 Waco Tribune-Herald, where they are on the Board of Contributors.

Keep Calm and Trump On

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By Gallagher and Schleicher

Despite the noble efforts of White House Chief of Staff and retired Marine general John F. Kelly, there is an emerging “morale problem” among those supporting and working for our current commander in chief. Some fear the gut-wrenching stench drenching our capital city does not originate solely with the three super-sized corpse flowers at the U.S. Botanic Garden.

Staffers live in fear of the boot, conservative pundits bemoan damage to the movement and Vice President Mike Pence has been spotted in the Oval Office with a tape measure and an interior design consultant. Meanwhile, Trump golfs with a blithe spirit not seen since Nero fiddled.

A Trump voter confided to us she’s come to view him “like one of those trick candles that you can’t blow out, except it’s an industrial fire.” To add insult to injury, she confesses that “children are laughing at my red MAGA hat.” Another Trump voter suggests meekly that the president’s staff take away “that godd– f—ing phone and flush it down the commode so that SOB can tweet no more.”

Such angst is premature, disloyal and based solely on “facts.” A more subjective analysis underscores the same alt.reality that propelled Donald past 19 others into the gates at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. N.W. We find ample reason to continue pretending at winning. Bigly.

For starters, there’s “the lag” — the time it takes for large groups of people to assess complex information. While Trump reaches historically low approval ratings in record time, the lag virtually guarantees at least several more months of Trump support from a plurality. Even now — per a Fox News poll — he’s only five points less popular than Obamacare.

Plus the novelty has not yet worn off. In that same Fox poll, two-thirds of Americans judged him as least “somewhat unstable.” No other president has offered such reckless unpredictability in a way that seems both scripted and yet ad-lib (As Seen on TV™). With “fake news” charges inoculating his base from realizing it’s their country he’s destroying, his ju-jitsu media prowess means over 60 million Americans remain hopelessly devoted to you-know-who.

Speaking of media, launch of the new pro-Trump television channel ensures a safe place for viewers to go when legitstream media makes them feel as if they’re melting. Such “communication tools” are more than handy: they drown out criticism, fuel social media and better blur the lines between real journalism and propaganda. When we can’t win, we can pretend. And we need never go more than an hour without an image of our dear leader.

Threats of nuclear war? Cataclysmic natural disasters? One need not be Juan Perón to see the potential for campaign rally stops, campaign product placement and sound-byte “fire and fury” bonanzas, as one reassures those suffering that everything is just fantastic.

OK, not an entirely cloudless sky. Torch-bearing Klansmen in khakis and vehicular homicide don’t make for good optics. And one can only declare them morally equal to “Antifa” so long as the public doesn’t realize U.S. deaths at the hands of extremists are 74 percent from the right. Even defending the bravery of bronze statues will only get you so far. Try adopting a puppy instead.

Tax reform and infrastructure investment seem as doomed as health-care reform. (If only we had elected a dealmaker!) All the while Mother Nature becomes more and more difficult to ignore. Perhaps we shouldn’t have grabbed her by the permafrost. Not to mention the question of what happens to a Dreamer deferred. Perhaps Langston Hughes knows?

That Russia thing won’t go away either. But so long as Melania and the others don’t cop a plea and New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman isn’t waiting at the other end, we can cross that Bering Strait when we come to it. In short, don’t worry; be happy. America is getting greater every day in every way, one tweet at a time.

Most importantly, science is on Trump’s side. Astrophysicists confirm dark energy has more power than gravity, is omnipresent and at an ever-increasing rate inevitably is tearing the universe apart. With odds like that, even a bankrupt casino owner is guaranteed a triple-crown reel.

David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym. This piece originally appeared in the September 12, 2017 Waco Tribune-Herald, where the Davids are on the Board of Contributors.

Why We Write (a note to our critics)

By Gallagher and Schleicher

Two spiteful letters to the editor about us in a single day! We take this opportunity to defend ourselves [graciously saving our critics time and energy by pre-including their comments below in brackets].

We continue to be humbled and #blessed by the support of the Waco community [#asif] for our missives of wit[less] wisdom and wisecracks. The 20 people who drove by and flashed a peace sign especially touched our hearts. [It actually was 40 people, each giving a ½ peace sign.]

We appreciate the Waco Trib explaining its reasons for running the columns [the one about providing conservatives with a common enemy hit the nail on the head]. Many have asked, “What keeps you guys motivated to write?” [and “Will you ever shut up?”]

We want to assure our readers [all three of them?] that we shall keep our noses to the grindstone, our satire sharp as knives [more like a spork], and keep spreading the joy. [If it’s joy you’re spreading, why does it require a shovel to unload it?]

You probably assumed we are paid by the word [please say it’s not true] but we can confirm we are not offered a penny for the columns [Phew–makes us respect the newspaper more.] 

So how is it that two grown men, each with a happy family, full-time job, normal sleeping habits, and a very long to-do list, bother to spend time regularly sharing ideas between Waco and London on how to best write a Trump spoof du jour? [Please, dear Lord, don’t let their column run daily.]

First, as the paper’s editor explained earlier, it’s part of our therapy. We’ve been dismayed since the election by the forces it unleased and a path we fear ends in authoritarianism, chaos or both. [You’re just mad you lost, when the polls said you’d win.] 

We’ve lost elections before, but none left us feeling like as if the doctor had just told us our democracy has a terminal illness. [Snowflakes!] What Trump says and does, it’s not normal, and we refuse to treat it as such. [Snowflakes!] If it angers you read these words, it might be you who is a snowflake. [Ouch.]

Humor can be a rusty and dull instrument [emphasis on the dull], but we find it to be the best way to manage pain that others say they share. And if we didn’t use humor, we are certain you would not have read this far. [Cripes, have I wasted another morning reading another piece full of their tripe?!?]

We don’t assume we will change everyone’s mind. [You got that right.] But you may laugh once in a while [don’t hold your breath], and from laughing, think, and from thinking, reconsider a previously-held view.

There are more of us, even in Waco, than you might imagine. Progressive blue castaways in what seems a sea of red opinion. At least until more turn out to vote. [Like the 3 million who illegally voted against Trump?!?] Castaways who watch Stephen Colbert with curtains drawn, or hope the neighbors didn’t see last week’s New Yorker on the coffee table. For them our posts are a nod, a textual acknowledgment that they are not alone in a Texas that seems less friendly than ever.

Most Americans are not happy with the President’s twitter fever [he tweets the truth!] and Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde speeches for and against extremism. [Can’t go a whole column without a condescending literary allusion, can you?] We hope to make the day more bearable for those who fear to look at news updates on Facebook.

A few of you are kind enough to tell us we do and to urge us to keep writing. [Really? #fakenews!] If we irk others along the way, so be it. [At least you’ve succeeded at one thing.]

So strap in, buttercups, there’s more where this came from. [Our new puppy is so grateful to hear she’ll be seeing more of your columns. At least until she’s housetrained.] Ouch.

David Gallagher (@TBoneGallagher) is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England. David Schleicher (@TheContranym) is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C., and Houston.

 

Can Donald Pardon The Trump Organization?

Old Post Office Exterior.

By David Schleicher

A Facebook friend recently posed this question: can President Trump pardon his own company, The Trump Organization? I conclude he can, but that is not the last word.

Power to Pardon is Broad

The presidential power to grant reprieves and pardons authorized by the Constitution (art. II, §2) is a broad one, self-limited only in cases of impeachment.  However, it applies only to offenses against the United States: the presidentially-pardoned nonetheless may face prosecution under state law.

If you doubt that the power to pardon could really be as broad as a literal reading of the constitutional text suggests, consider that Presidents Lincoln and Johnson pardoned broad classes of those who had engaged in treason against the United States by supporting the South in the Civil War.

I align with those who do not believe a president can pardon him or herself. The pardon power has roots in the monarchy, but in the end the president is a public servant and not a king. Allowing a president to pardon him or herself runs contrary to the founders’ intent that a pardon not be available as an end run on Congress’ power to impeach.

No Self-Pardon, But Company Has Independent Existence

Assuming a president can not self-pardon does not necessarily answer the question of whether a president can pardon a company for which the president is the primary owner, as is the case with President Trump and The Trump Organization conglomerate. For a corporation has an existence that is separate from its owners. A fundamental reason for incorporation is to limit personal liability.

The Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision muddied the waters a bit, extending religious freedom rights to a corporation, but doing so in part because the company was a closely held corporation, owned and controlled by members of a single family. While The Trump Organization is tightly owned and managed by Trump’s immediate family, it also has at least one non-family manager and its many subsidiaries and affiliates involve a network of others that extends well beyond immediate family.

One might argue that Donald Trump symbolizes all that is The Trump Organization and it all that he is. in fact, you might get that impression from the company’s website. On the other hand, it lives on even though he is not actively managing it and it presumably would even if he were to unexpectedly die. So, while pardoning The Trump Organization might benefit Donald Trump, it is unlikely to fall prey to the no-self-pardon rule.

Constitution Doesn’t Mention Pardoning Companies

It’s true that the Constitution does not directly say that the power to pardon extends to corporations. But on the other hand, it doesn’t exclude that possibility, such as by saying it applies only to “humans.” Entities of a corporate nature date back to at least Revolutionary War days…remember The East India Company whose tea was tossed into Boston Harbor?

As Humpty Dumpty bragged of himself in Alice in Wonderland, when courts in constitutional law define a word, it means what they choose it to mean, neither more, nor less. For example, the Supreme Court has held that cities are within the definition of “persons,” when addressing who may be sued for certain civil rights violations.

Pardon People, Pardon Companies

That is, even if the pardon provision said “persons,” the Supreme Court might still read it as “persons, or corporations.” It would seem an odd result to many to say that a corporation can be criminally prosecuted, but can’t benefit from a pardon.

U.S. Department of Justice guidelines for prosecuting corporations suggest an even-handed approach: “Corporations should not be treated leniently because of their artificial nature nor should they be subject to harsher treatment.” Among the considerations DOJ identifies for determining whether to prosecute a company are common sense things like how pervasive the wrongdoing is within the company and how high up, whether it has a history of similar misconduct, and how cooperative it is in correcting the wrong.

If Special Counsel Robert Mueller were, for the sake of example, to find that money laundering crimes were committed, it is not hard to imagine that he might identify some company within The Trump Organization umbrella as having facilitated it. But you can’t put a company in jail. Instead you do something like fine it, seize its assets, seek its dissolution (kill it), or some combination of those.

Just as Donald Trump legally could pardon Ivanka Trump, but might end up getting impeached for it, he could legally pardon The Trump Organization, though Congress might choose to impeach him for it. After all, impeachment ultimately is a political question, not one subject to the strict standards of a criminal prosecution.

Not the End

If Trump were to pardon The Trump Organization, it is not inevitable that this would end all related federal prosecutions. For as the earlier-mentioned DOJ guidelines make clear, a prosecutor must decide whether to go after a company, its officers, or both. The Trump Organization might get pardoned, but its owners and officers would need individual pardons.

Theoretically Trump could pull a Lincoln/Johnson and (instead of pardoning a class of confederate soldiers) pardon everyone in any way affiliated with The Trump Organization, from prosecution for any actions related to the company. He might end up accidentally pardoning a bookkeeper who was stealing money from the company if not careful. As well, you will recall the broad pardon thing did not work out so well for Lincoln and that Andrew Johnson came within one vote of being removed from office.

Conclusion

For such reasons, my answer to the Rev. Richard Hong is yes, Donald Trump may pardon The Trump Organization. But the individuals alleged to be pulling the levers, say Eric and Donald, Jr., likely would need pardons of their own.

Even if Trump were to pardon every owner and manager of The Trump Organization, along with the company and all of its affiliates, and were wiling to risk impeachment to do it, there still might be a hangover. Someone like the Attorney General of New York might come in and build on Mueller’s work to pursue a criminal prosecution under state law. It is no coincidence that rumors of Mueller working with that Attorney General are circulating soon after President Trump announced his first pardon. Pardons don’t prevent an attorney general or private citizen from pursuing a civil suit either.

While the President can’t pardon himself, and might end up impeached for a particularly controversial pardon, preventing The Trump Organization from being dissolved and having its assets seized could at least help ensure he has a job to return to once no longer president–whether that be one year away or over seven years from now. A pardon of the Trump Organization on his last day in office might be his best investment yet.

David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between offices in Waco, D.C., and Houston. About half of his practice involves representation of federal employees. See www.gov.law for more information. 

Leaked Trump Anonymous Transcript

By Schleicher & Gallagher
(Deep State Newswire) — Below is a transcript obtained by the National Security Agency and leaked to the totally fake media of a secret meeting held far, far away in New Jersey…

[Muffled noises; chairs scraping on concrete; coughing]

Unknown woman: Shall we get started?

Group: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Anthony Scaramucci: What a load of horses–t.

Reince Priebus: Tony! We’ve discussed this. It’s important we turn over our recovery to a higher power. Now, please, let’s welcome our newest member, Steve.

Steve Bannon: Hi, I’m Steve. AND THERE IS NO HIGHER POWER THAN ME. I MADE THIS FREAKING PRESIDENCY POSSIBLE AND I CAN TAKE IT AWAY!

Group: Hello, Steve.

Woman: Um, yes. We’ll review the 12 steps later…OK, let’s get started. Jim, do you want to go first?

James Comey: My name is James Comey and I was fired by Donald Trump.

Group: Hello, James.

Michael Flynn: Hello, testing one, two, three. Testing. Can anyone hear me? Is it on?

Sally Yates: Point of order. I think we start with our name and then that we were fired by Trump.

[Sound of rustling shrubbery; man’s voice]: My name is Sean and I was fired by Donald Trump after his popular vote landslide and hugely attended inauguration, which photographs prove if you look at them with one eye closed.

Priebus: Sean, we’ve all been fired. We don’t have to lie anymore.

Scaramucci: My name is Anthony and I was fired by Donald Trump. It’s been three f—-ing days since I lied.

Group: (Applause) Hello, Anthony.

Yates: Guys, we’re here to move past our problems, not rehash them. And that was a lie, too, Tony.

Comey: According to my contemporaneous notes, there was no agreement not to rehash problems.

Bannon: To betray me after all I did to get him elected! Probably did it for 30 pieces of silver from Jared.

Priebus: Steve! That kind of anti-Semitic talk is wrong. Independents hate it and we have a mid-term in just over a year.

Chris Christie: Hey guys! I was just wandering around because some idiot closed the beach! And the traffic on the bridge is a killer. What’s going on here?

Yates: Point of order. Governor, this is for people who have been sacked for insufficient loyalty, thrown under the bus or otherwise scapegoated by the president.

Christie: How about being deep-fried and kicked to the curb by him? Does that qualify?

Group: Hello, Chris.

Scaramucci: But it wasn’t him! I still support the president 110 percent. It was the g-dd–n lame-stream media that got me fired.

Comey: Can you all promise me no one will get their book out before mine hits the stands?

Yates: Can you all promise me that none of the rest of you will run for Senate before I do?

Priebus: Books? I signed a non-disclosure agreement. [muffled sobbing sound]

Bannon: And if you read it, you’ll remember it authorizes me to garrote you for even disclosing it exists.

Priebus: Ummm…but now that you’re out, Mr. Bannon, you’re no longer bound by that? Right?

Christie: Bring it, Dimbart Man. You’ll have to get through me to beat up this poor little Priebus kid.

Comey: So many threats. You’d think this was the Gambino crime family.

Scaramucci: They were the best 10 days of my life [sobbing].

Flynn: Is it hot in here? My shirt is itchy.

[Door knocking; unidentified woman speaking]: May we help you?

[Multiple voices]: We’re the president’s manufacturing council. There’s another limousine behind us — I think it’s the council on culture and arts. And a few more behind that one, too. We’ve all quit.

Yates: Technically, this group is for those he sacked, not those who quit. We’re going to need a lot more chairs if we invite everyone who now feels disappointed, let down or appalled by him since the election.

Priebus: Yeah, several million more chairs, based on the latest polls.

Bannon: Why the hell are we all here? We have nothing in common.

Comey: Well, we all got fired by you-know-who. Sally and I were not loyal enough and threatened to do our jobs.

Sean Spicer: And me, Tony and Reince — am I saying your name right? — we got the axe because we couldn’t control the fake news. Or the leaks. Or the things tweeted at 3 a.m. from the White House men’s room.

Christie: I wonder if he always planned on tossing me overboard, or Jared just pulled him aside and—

Priebus: I went from leader of the Republicans to presidential floor mat and flyswatter. So don’t feel special.

Scaramucci: Wait! I think I hear another f—ing limousine parking outside this f—ing place.

Comey: I wonder who his next victim could be — seems like nobody is safe from his sociopathy.

Yates: Is that who I think it is?

Priebus: I think it might be — I would recognize that profile anywhere.

Bannon: I guess there really is no hiding from the past.

[Sound of door opening]

Group: Good evening, Mr. President!

Flynn: Come in base camp. Come in base camp. The package has arrived. Repeat, the package has arrived. Video drop was successful.

[End of transmission]

P.S. — A thank you to Greg Dauphin for suggesting we assemble this crew.

This originally appeared in the August 26, 2017 Waco Tribune-Herald. David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym.

Trump Pardons Press Conference


By Gallagher & Schleicher

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States…

Great to be back in New York with all of our friends and some great friends outside the building, I must tell you. We’re here today to talk about infrastructure. The kind of infrastructure that will make Heaven embarrassed that its streets of gold are not classy enough. No distractions today from infrastructure. You’re going to beg me not to make bridges so nice. Really.

Have you met Hope Hicks, my new press girl? Easy on the eyes, or what? You never saw a press girl like that with Obama, I can tell you that for sure. I was looking. Wasn’t there.

REPORTER: What makes you think you can get an infrastructure bill? You didn’t get health care, you didn’t get tax reform…

The people deserve it; frankly our country deserves it. We can’t just pave over the past. Like the way they treated General Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville. One of our great generals, the greatest really.

REPORTER: Pardon me, but how do you plan to bring the country together.

I’m going to reveal a great plan to do that, to the media, both real and fake media, by the way. You guys keep asking me about pardons. Nobody cares about pardons. It’s to distract from the Democrats losing bigley, the worst defeat in world history. Really. It was beautiful.

REPORTER: Mr. President—

Now I’m going to announce some pardons today. Look at General Kelly over there, head down, crossing his arms. What a great reputation he had. All gone. All gone.

If you didn’t see what I just tweeted on the bathroom break, it’s all there. Effective immediately. Officially, by me the president, who has the power to pardon. Pardoned for any so-called crimes they committed before I was elected, last night in New Jersey for example. Also for any crimes they may commit in the future, in Maryland, for example.

Next, all the confederate generals. They fought bravely for us. Trying to help American workers by not letting everyone in the wage pool. It’s a deep pool. It really is. All the statutes, or statues, or whatever, they’re all pardoned. Taking down our great metal idols, many of them put up by Senator Jim Crow or whoever. You saw it on the videos, confederate generals being decapitated in an egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence. It has no place in America.

REPORTER: Mr. President, are you supporting the white nationalists?

Excuse me. Take it nice and easy. A Nazi salute here and there and you all freak out. Welcome to America. We let everyone speak their mind here. It’s a great country.

REPORTER: What about the protestor who told the reporter “This city is run by Jewish communists and criminal nig—-s”?

Everybody kids around. I like to give Jared a hard time. He’s Jewish. Made my daughter one too. They don’t take it personally. Lighten up. Ben Carson. He’s the black in my cabinet. He’s okay with it. Really. But let’s focus. I came here to talk about pardons and I’m going to do it.

Don Junior. He’s a good kid. Dumber than a box of rocks. Pardoned for setting up meetings with Russian spies. Not his fault. Thought they were Russian mobsters. Nobody knew Russians could be so complicated. And pardoned for the perjury he’ll commit before the grand jury.

Back to Jared. Really a good kid. Smart. Handles money really well. He’s pardoned for trying to set up a secret channel to the Russians that couldn’t be detected by the American intelligence community. So he could launder money. Do you wonder why they call themselves the “intelligence community”? Dumbest people I’ve ever met. I’m bringing a lot of cleaning jobs back to America. I’ll leak the details about Jared’s so-called crimes to the failing New York Times, if Bannon doesn’t do it first.

Jeff Sessions and Ivanka. One of them is pardoned. I won’t say which due to nepotism rules, but it’s the really hot one. Pardoned for stealing emoluments and anything else the fake media accuses her of. Trump International Escorts, which by the way I have no hand in, no part of at all, charges extra for emoluments, so I don’t see why it’s a big deal. Sad. Really sad.

REPORTER: How much do you expect the infrastructure improvements to cost? $100 billion?

The pardons are given out freely. Sheriff Joe Arpaio isn’t paying me anything for his. All he had to do was disobey a judge and round up some people who looked like rapists from Mexico. The constitution calls it the balance of power. Judges interpret the law and I cut them out of it.

In cases where there are many sides, I will pardon those on the right side. The right has fine people, and I see them because I watch the videos, too. I will not pardon the wrong side. You can count on that. I can’t pay for the legal defense of everyone who marches with their arm in the air and a tiki torch, but I can pardon them. If you don’t want to march and instead make a little side money from infrastructure projects, there’s a pardon for that too. Call my foundation for details.

My final pardon is for Mike Pence. He survived that perversion therapy and is a great American now. Someday he’ll get the chance to pardon me too. Do unto others, like it says in two Corinthians.

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David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, DC, and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym.