Update: This morning (2/15/2017) at 7:50 a.m., I received a call from Waco Police Chief Ryan Holt, who relayed that he had read the letter, they were working on related matters internally, and that he fully expected what happened to have been a one-time occurrence. He identified Assistant Chief Mark Norcross as someone those planning protests might choose to contact in advance to address logistics and avoid the potential for misunderstandings going forward. –David
My longtime Facebook friends can be divided into two groups, neither of which appreciate my recent online negativity about your president. The “give-him-a-chance” crowd loves the man and is irritated that I keep complaining. The remainder — the “you’re-depressing-me-dude” crowd — sees my posts as a steady reminder that Uncle Sam appears to have terminal cancer.
I likewise am torn between two fears. One, of becoming like the loons who for eight years repeatedly yelled about Obama being a Muslim Kenyan plotting to steal our guns and internets. Second, of being the equivalent of a German citizen from 1932 who, for many seemingly good reasons, quit speaking out and, with his entire nation, later came to deeply regret his silence.
The five of you who regularly read my columns surely feel likewise. Particularly in a week like this one, when an import tax might well deplete my supply of satire/tequila. With acknowledgement to the creative contributions of those who post things to me like, “Dammit, David, post more pet pictures” and “Catch yourself before you wreck yourself,” how’s this for a remix?:
• Yes, I’m vacuuming my cat in this video. She enjoys it. 900 hits and counting. Meows on command at the end. Small vacs and patient cats only. No dogs.
• Trump strategist Stephen Bannon attacks the media as the “opposition” and warns that it should “keep its mouth shut.”
• Check out how my cat and dog sleep curled up in a ball. They only do this in the winter!
• The very first presidential press conference is consumed by a Trump-ordered angry rant about the lie that he had larger attendance than did Obama’s 2008 inauguration. Size matters?
• Check out this beautiful sunrise view from my office window. Note the pinks on the edges.
• A Trump executive order excludes from entry (as if they were coming illegally) those already screened from the approval process of getting green cards or visas. Even caught up with someone who risked his life to translate for our soldiers in Iraq. The promised Muslim ban? ISIS is celebrating increased level of religious hatred. Nice!
• Watch this baby laughing video. So great. I’ve watched it 10 times. Isn’t that the best sound in the world? Right up there with a baby breathing while sleeping.
• More of the same ol’ BS about some great plan to be revealed for replacing Obamacare. In the meantime, goodbye to pre-existing-condition coverage, no catastrophic limits and staying on parents’ insurance till you’re 26.
• See how this kitten jumps off the ground when something startles it? Is it true dogs go to heaven but cats, at best, go to purgatory? Have you ever seen a cat feel guilty? Dogs do it all the time, so they must have a conscience. Not cats!
• A leaked draft White House order calls for studying the return of torture (AKA “enhanced interrogation”) of our enemies. Our “Christian nation” turning the other cheek? As the bumper sticker asks: “Who Would Jesus Torture?”
• Is your house shaking too? One heck of a rocket SpaceX is testing tonight! The sweet rumble of high-tech, good-paying jobs! But glad we don’t live any closer.
• Funding cuts coming for Violence Against Women prevention programs, NEA, PBS, birth control, EPA toxic waste cleanup and climate-change research.
• So gravity waves are apparently what are lighting up Venus’ atmosphere. Not those gravitational waves that were discovered. This is something else, but both are cool!
• Speaking in front of the CIA memorial wall to fallen staff, President Trump brings along a team with him to give the false impression CIA staff are wildly cheering his comments. He then falsely blames the media for his spats with the agency and brags on himself extensively. Narcissist-in-chief?
• Apparently iPhone 8 is not going to be able to charge from across the room after all. But might have a screen that entirely covers the front.
• There are no facts to back the claim, yet Trump says 3 million to 5 million people illegally voted against him . . . an expected excuse to make it harder to vote.
• Did you drive by that house that Chip and Joanna just renovated? So glad the gap in the foundation did not turn out to be from a sinkhole after all. When are they re-opening the Elite?
• Trump replaces a general and the director of National Intelligence on the National Security Council with his son-in-law and with a white supremacist. We’re doomed.
• Got to love those Lady Bears! #2 in NCAA women’s basketball! Aren’t the Men Bears #2 also? That new football coach is really recruiting well.
• A foreign enemy hijacks our presidential election for its BFF. From Russia with love. Hope NATO doesn’t intercept the naughty text messages.
OK, feel 50 percent better? Oh. No more than 25 percent worse? Oops. Well, then, in closing I’ll say #notnormal. Sad!
This originally appeared in the Waco-Tribune Herald on February 5, 2016, where David is a member of the Board of Contributors
My inauguration invitation has yet to arrive.
It surely will announce I’m the new poet laureate guy.
Big league thinkers are busily focusing on larger stagecraft.
With the words they could spare I sketched out this rough draft:
For Trump’s inauguration it may prove wise.
To consider a comparison to 13 of the other guys.
Washington could not tell a lie.
Trump says, “I knew George Washington–he was a great guy.”
Thomas Jefferson got the country a great deal on the Louisiana purchase.
Trump can get you a steal on Invanka’s new line of Beijing-made purses.
Millard Fillmore gave the White House indoor plumbing.
Trump says the First Amendment is what needs flushing.
Teddy Roosevelt liked to walk softly, but carry a big stick.
Trump prefers to tweet loudly from a tiny little fingertip.
Warren G. Harding is remembered for the scandal of Tea Pot Dome.
Trump’s overseas ventures leave open the back door to his throne.
FDR brought the Nazi fascists to defeat.
Trump made Steve Bannon his strategy chief.
John Kennedy and Jackie made the White House seem like Camelot.
Trump appointed JFK’s nephew to give us all chickenpox.
LBJ lifting his dog up by the ears seemed a tad cruel.
Trump meanwhile brags he grabs women by the poodle.
Nixon requested a Democratic headquarters break in.
Trump outsourced it to a Russian plumber named Putin.
Ford was portrayed as tripping over his own feet.
Trump’s big war well may start over a 3 a.m. tweet.
Carter was criticized for a time of national malaise.
Trump has really huge plans for our Republic’s final days.
Reagan helped dissolve the Soviet Union.
Trump prefers to enjoy their hotel rooms.
Obama served without scandal for eight years of hope.
Trump hopes to make “Scandal” his new reality tv show.
Trump used to be known for his so-called university.
Now he’s caused a surge in those seeking Russian degrees.
Trump claimed Obama’s a Kenyan Muslim, one of many lies.
But dare to criticize Trump and his fans demand know why.
If Trump’s words and deeds seem to you abnormal, you are one of plenty.
Who will not shut up, give up, nor look away, from today all the way to 2020.
2017 by David Schleicher (www.TheContranym.com)
This holiday season, we set aside feeble attempts to compare PEOTUS Donald Trump to political leaders of the past. Whether Andrew Jackson, Hugo Chavez, Ronald Reagan or Huey Long, these analogies fizzle like a snowflake on a hot Texas sidewalk.
The comparison meriting more serious yuletide attention is that with Santa Claus, AKA Kris Kringle (or, some places south of the border wall, Papa Noel). The overlap is unavoidable:
Whether you and your comrades await presents from Ded Moroz/Grandfather Frost, Los Reyes Magos, Old St. Nick or someone else, I wish for you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, joyous Kwanza and festive Festivus, plus a family dinner at which views about the PEOTUS go unspoken (i.e., kept snuggled all tight in their beds), and a happy New Year.
This column originally appeared in the Waco Tribune-Herald on December 20, 2016.
Words that can mean the opposite of themselves (from Mental Floss magazine)
[This originally appeared in the November 22, 2016 Waco Tribune-Herald.