Lovely Planet, Europe’s most trusted travel guide, has been updated to reflect America’s return to greatness under President Trump, its publishers announced from London today. “We have been inundated since the election with queries from readers desperate to know what to expect on their travels to the USA,” said Clive Snidely, editor in chief. “America is getting so great again, so fast, it’s hard to keep up with all of the winning. We’ll update this periodically as the greatness nonetheless persists.”
Some of the new top tips:
Before you depart—In light of Trump Travel Tenets, check to see if your motherland is on the Sad! List. But if it doesn’t exist (Nambia), you’re fine. Hint: If you don’t see a Trump hotel or resort in your evening skyline, you may be forced to cruise to Canada instead.
Weapons—Don’t dare board a plane with one! It will be issued upon arrival to the States where they are now mandatory for those over the age of 3. Upon departure, you can sell it online or donate it for a church fundraiser. (Assault rifles are popular among the meek.)
Excess baggage—Don’t embarrass yourself by trotting out books, civil discourse or compassion for the [other-than-senior-white-male] underprivileged.
Stay informed—Forget the failing fake news industry. (Such low ratings!) Tune in to Twitter for timely updates on petty political feuds, IQ test challenges, daily policy changes and nuclear annihilation.
Getting around—Public transport is for losers. If you’re the CEO of Uber, use a ride as a chance to vent. For public servants, the president will provide a taxpayer-funded private jet so long as you bring your spouse and aren’t on official business.
Where to stay—Foreign visitors are required to stay at a Trump hotel or resort but will receive a $50/day Facebook advertising credit good for the next two election cycles.
Money—ATMs: readily available but traceable. For much larger amounts, we recommend fraudulent real estate deals. Some spotty coverage but generally available in central Manhattan. Experienced travelers know to bring extra rubles for the intermediaries.
Safety—If you find yourself low on ammo in unknown areas, grab a tiki torch, slap on some khakis, find a Confederate statue and shout angry things. A crowd of supporters will quickly gather. These are very fine people. You can even assault strangers and have them arrested for it.
Music—America remains a vast and fertile land of amazing music of all kinds. Marching band tunes are now the rage; you should leap to your feet immediately upon hearing a trumpet no matter where you are, in case it’s the national anthem. But don’t you dare kneel (unless it’s the presidential motorcade going by).
Nightlife—Every night is Lady’s Night in Trump’s America! Remember, dress like a ten, even if you’re only a four or five. If you get grabbed by the poodle, feel free to report it to the police, assuming it wasn’t the Commander in Chief who did it.
Welcome pack—Don’t forget your complimentary welcome pack, available for purchase for $69 at all major airports: a signature red #MAGA baseball cap, nine-inch stiletto heels in case of hurricanes, a mini-US flag and a copy of the Bible verse about those two Corinthians, all painstakingly hand-crafted by adorable, small-handed children in China.
Whether Waco’s Magnolia Market, the climate-driven cinder vineyards of Napa Valley, the Trumpland theme park underway in Puerto Rico, or alligator-sighting in the nation’s capital, today’s U.S. of A. offers something for everyone and even more for those at the top. Someday you can wow your great-grandchildren with just-before-the-empire-fell stories of life in this great land across the pond.
David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym. This piece originally appeared in the October 20, 2017 edition of the Waco Tribune-Herald.