Der Donald Trump is Unlike Der Führer

Friends, Americans, citizens, lend me your eyes. I come to praise Donald Trump, not to compare him to Adolf Hitler. The Donald is no Adolf Hitler:

  • 10291112_1532231767070776_2951155574295941277_nAdolf Hitler was a narcissistic megalomaniac. Trump described himself to Us Weekly staff as “actually very modest.”
  • Hitler’s manifesto is titled Mein Kampf. Trump’s next book is not (instead, “My Fight”).
  • Hitler fanned flames of hatred against the Jews with wild conspiracies. Jews are not Trump’s scapegoat and he merely accused President Obama of secretly supporting terrorism.
  • Hitler took advantage of a national tragedy (Reichstag fire) to grab power. Trump has not burned down the U.S. Capitol.
  • Hitler’s purge led Jews to flee his country. Trump instead wants to ban Muslims from entering.
  • Hitler married a former model from Munich. Trump instead is married to a former model from Sevnica.
  • Hitler grew up in the Catholic church and asserted he acted in accordance with the will of God. Trump by contrast is a former Catholic, now associated with the Presbyterian church, and had 30 evangelical leaders pray over him.
  • Hitler believed women should stay at home and raise the next generation of pure-bred Germans. Trump is fine with women working, even as journalists, so long as they’ve (and I quote here) “got a young and beautiful piece of a–.”
  • Hitler had Kurt Von Schleicher killed in the Night of the Long Knives. Trump probably has not yet read my columns.
  • Hitler snubbed African-American medal winner Cornelius Johnson at the 1936 Olympics. Trump simply labelled African-American election winner Barack Obama as having faked his American birth certificate.
  • Hitler had really bad brown hair. Trump’s hair is orange.
  • Hitler liked to paint in his free time. Trump prefers remote-controlled cars.
  • Hitler often cited wrongdoing by the Communists of Russia to justify his actions. Trump likes Putin, blames the Communists in China for our woes.
  • Hitler made the National Socialist German Workers Party famous with his oratory skills and ability to attract new members. Trump only has drawn new people to the GOP.
  • U.S. white supremacists are not able to vote for Adolf Hitler.
  • Hitler often praised German veterans. Donald Trump instead criticized former prisoner of war and torture victim John McCain for having been captured.
  • Donald Trump never promised to make Germany great again.
  • As a March 13, 2012 article in The Atlantic noted, early press coverage of Hitler misjudged him as a clown, a caricature of himself who could never get elected. Trump instead is now viewed as someone who might get elected.
  • British political leader Neville Chamberlain described the result of his treaty negotiations with Hitler as providing “Peace for our time.” GOP chair Reince Priebus is still seeking a peace treaty between Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan.
  • The #neverHitler effort failed miserably; #neverTrump still has a chance.
  • Hitler used slave labor to build the Atlantic Wall to prevent an invasion from Great Britain. Trump does not fear a British invasion and will make Mexico pay for his wall.
  • Hitler made a 1939 pact with Stalin that he later broke. Trump, however, plans to honor the terms of any deal with Putin, calling him a great leader as compared to us having a “pathetic” president.
  • Hitler served in the Bavarian Army during World War I, while Trump entirely avoided service in Vietnam with student deferments and purported “bone spurs in his heels.”
  • Hitler lost his first presidential run, in 1932; Trump plans to win in 2016.

In summary, stop this Trump-is-Hitler nonsense. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?

 

By David R. Schleicher. (c) 2016. http://www.TheContranym.com. This column originally appeared in the Sunday, June 19, 2016 Waco Tribune-Herald.

The Unintended Trumpiness of It All

As Yogi Berra almost said, “The road to Purgatory is paved with unintended consequences.” On that note, our crack research team uncovered these surprising consequences (both good and bad) from The Most Glorious Campaign for President of Supreme Leader Donald Trump:

• The universe is expanding 5 to 9 percent faster than expected, according to a June announcement from NASA and the European Space Agency. This is hypothesized to be from the increase in dark energy since The Donald began his campaign.

• President Obama is popular.

• There was an uptick in sales tax revenue in San Jose, California, from purchases of eggs, Mexican flags, matches and police tactical gear.

• The FBI has opened an investigation into a series of secret payments from the Clinton Foundation to The Donald, dating back to a phone call in which Bill Clinton encouraged Trump to run for president.

• Unemployment is down in the Chinese city of Guangzhou, due to heavy demand for American flag pins, “Make America Great Again” hats and “Made in the USA” labels.

• In follow-up to Trump’s assertion in Redding, California, on June 3 that “I have an African-American,” his campaign also has released a list of the three persons of Hispanic heritage who might vote for him.

• The economy in Cleveland is experiencing a temporary surge as hotels collect a bounty in cancellation fees from GOP convention delegates.

• Wyeth, Ltd. stock has skyrocketed from Ativan sales to the offices of Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus and House Speaker Paul Ryan.

• Google reports 1,215 searches of “Can a federal judge appointed by a Republican president ethically and legally contribute to Hillary’s campaign?”

• Alliant Techsystems saw a 4 percent increase in first-quarter profits on the heels of a $40 million order for land mines from the Canadian Department of National Defence.

• Dictators world-wide are expressing relief that the Anonymous hackers collective has shifted its focus from them to obtaining The Donald’s tax returns.

• Ken Starr’s car is sporting a “Love the Clintons” bumper sticker.

• Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, the Cuban-born senior member of the Florida congressional delegation and #neverTrump club member, introduced a bill to provide space in Arlington National Cemetery for the Republican Party. [The Trump campaign countered that they have proof that Rep. Ros-Lehtinen’s mother exchanged numerous emails with Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald during his visit to Cuba.]

• Hillary Clinton has petitioned a court to change her name to “NOT DONALD TRUMP” in advance of November election ballots being issued.

• PredictIt.org shares on the question, “Will the U.S. make it to its 250th birthday?” are trading at an even 50 cents.

• Radio show host Alex Jones’ Internet browsing history has turned up multiple searches of “When will Plumb Book be released?”

• Jones revealed plans to buy “luvthegov.com” in the event of a Trump victory, adding to his collection of existing domains (infowars.com, sellingparanoia.org and falseprophet.edu).

• The CIA has leaked/denied that Trump requested an advance security clearance review for a “John Barron” to serve as the agency’s next director.

• The Chronicle of Higher Education reports an 80 percent decrease in students wanting to major in journalism.

• U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services added a check box to the H-1B visa application form for “I am a female model from Eastern Europe and wish to be appointed to be a member of the President’s cabinet.”

Financial Interest Disclosure: I have bet Waco resident David McLatcher $10 that Trump will lose the election and several times unsuccessfully attempted to get him to double the amount at stake.

This column originally appeared in the June 7, 2016 Waco Tribune-Herald, where David is a member of the Board of Contributors.