by David Gallagher and David Schleicher
ADDRESS TO THE ANNUAL GATHERING OF GHOSTS OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS
THE HON. DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES
It’s really great to be here among so many important people in American history. I see you’re all ghosts. Sad! Lots of people tell me you’re mostly top quality. We’d party at Mar-a-largo. If you weren’t so dead. And had more money. Your wives…some were very hot. Beautiful. Very nice. But also too dead.
First the good news. America is still going. We did that together. Made a new country. Great, really great. Lots of people calling to congratulate us. It’s an honor. It really is. The bad news — your democracy acts like it’s been on Obamacare. Very sick. Pitiful, really. Lots of other countries laughing at it. Feeling sorry for it. Pull the plug, as they say.
You have to take some blame for that. Some of your crazy ideas, that is. “Free speech.” What’s that? Nothing’s really free. Right? “Separation of powers.” Divide and get conquered. Why would you separate powers? “Independent judiciary.” Judges who can do whatever the hell they want. Of course, that’s a fail. A big fail. They got no boss, so they screw around a lot. Losers.
Which is why I’m here today. After my hugely successful speech to the Boy Scouts. They also had some values. Did you see the size of that crowd? They turned all the girls away because there was no room for them. Wall-to-wall people. Very nice. I heard Tiny Jeff Sessions was there, too, but nobody could see him standing behind those boys. He’s so little. I’d be embarrassed if it was me. He’s useless to me now. What’s the word? Beleaguered. That’s it. So very beleaguered.
Anyway, the Fake News Media won’t report all that. They’ll say I forgot why I was there. Talked crazy. Rambled. That I don’t know why I’m here either. But I have a teleprompter. Classy. Like a real president uses. Very professional. Expensive — do you know how expensive these things are? And The Mooch is in my ear. Like voices in my head. New guy at the White House.
He’s telling me to stick to the teleprompter. I’m his boss. I can ignore him. Or fire him. Or he’ll quit like little Jeffy Sessions keeps promising to do. How many of you want me to fire The Mooch now? I mean, right now?
But back to those ideas of yours. They’re old-fashioned. Modernize. Like me. Have you seen what the polls say? About your “big ideas”? Very unpopular. Low. In-the-basement low. Lowest ever. You’re dead with dead ideas. No heartbeat at all. Ideas you came up with 100 years ago. No wonder nobody cares about them anymore. Boring. A lot of people don’t know the Constitution is that old. As old as the Styrofoam it was printed on.
I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Boy Scouts, they’re young, so I had to tell them. The facts of life. A little bippety-bop on a yacht. That story will stay with them forever. There’s a reason they made me an Eagle Scout when I was just 6 years old. A rigged system, but I played the game. Got all my ribbons and stuff. Very impressive, people were saying.
Forgot to tell the Scouts about going backstage at the Miss Universe contest. I saw panties. Very pretty ones. Lace. Should have given me a ribbon for that! Makes me wish I was a teenage boy again! The girls were going crazy. “Oh, Mr. Trump, you’re in our dressing room!” I think they liked the attention.
Scaramucci is shouting in my ear again. Should I fire him, folks? Seriously. I mean, right now? No, he tries. He really tries. But about your ideas. I call them “values” because they should be on sale. On the 100-year-old bread rack. Pennies on the dollar. Forget your values. Give them away if you have to. Closeout!
We need some new ideas. Not girly “let’s-work-together” ideas from Crooked Hillary. And definitely not “yes we can” from Barack Hussein Obama. An African Muslim, you know — bet you didn’t expect that. Would have outlawed it. Don’t worry. Won’t happen again. You got something right — control who votes. Very smart. You’re not as dumb as people say. I like you. Electoral College. Your other good idea. So the little guy could beat out the elite masses. Modeled on Trump University.
Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness. People are still alive. And still free to do whatever they want. Smoke, work in coal mines, shoot each other, chase out people who don’t look like them. I pursue happiness every day. Especially if Melania is out of town. Grab the day, like they say in Latin.
The one big idea is loyalty. Really expensive. A valuable value. Loyalty to me. Not run-of-the-mill loyalty. It’s a two-way street. From the people to me. My kids to me. Really three-way street — everyone to my kids, too, when they’re being loyal to me.
Coastal elitists in ivory towers write history books. You know the type. Really ugly wives. Like fives. No woman wants them. No surprise. No money. These losers say you were disloyal to the crown king. That you thought the rule of law was better than what happiness the king wanted to pursue. Rule of law is one of those stupid things. Lawyers can’t be put in charge. They’re in it for the money. That’s all. Sad!
Have you heard my lawyers? I should fire them. They’re nice people, though. The law rule is gone now. I wouldn’t be winning so hard if the law was so great. I’m right. I hear cheering. They think I’m right.
I know you want big crowds. To be real popular. Who doesn’t? There are still polls to be taken. Fun to see yourself on TV. If they don’t lie about you. I’m a big producer and my advice is stop whining about “democracy.” It’s Latin for “what the people want.” That’s me. What they really want.
I’m making the country inalienable. Sending them all back to Mexico. I’m like a real president. Getting rich in the process, like you all did. Nothing wrong with that. That’s three good ideas you had. #3—inventing the dollar. Everything else is for losers. The Democrats are very envious.
Thank you for your support. God bless me and, for really the first time in history, let’s make America great again.
(Whereupon the Founding Fathers collectively rolled over in their graves and resumed their eternal slumber.)
David Gallagher is a Texan working in public relations in London. David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at TheContranym.com.
[This column originally appeared in the Waco Tribune-Herald on July 29, 2017.]
How much time is wasted by liberals snidely attacking our collegiately elected president? Moreover, how much longer must we tolerate them riling up citizens against someone who simply wants to Make America Great Again? I used intelligent design to poll some of these radicals and was given these answers: 12 years, 15 years and 49 years. Wow!
Surely they don’t think I am so ignorant of history to not realize that even these responses are chock-full of insults, referring, respectively, to the years in power of Hitler, Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro. Typical left-wing arrogance and colossal exaggeration! Enough already!
Thus I’m declaring a timeout for the remainder of this column regarding all those single-payer-loving-hip-hop-listening-Unicorn-Frappuccino-drinking-urban-coastal-living-track-jacket-wearing hooligans. For once, let’s listen solely to patriotic Republicans and conservatives who love this country more than any of those Maoists ever could. Let these right voices find common ground on which all Americans can stand.
We start with Peter Wehner, an evangelical who served in the previous three Republican administrations. He reassures us the president is “a man who believes in little or nothing, who has the impulse to burn down rather than to build up… an institutional arsonist.”
Then there’s columnist Jennifer Rubin, who we can trust because liberals tried to get her fired in 2013 for “parrot[ing] and peddl[ing] every silly right-wing theory to come down the pike in transparent attempts to get Web hits.” Rubin now praises the president’s agenda as “a peculiar mix of xenophobia, pro-Russian genuflecting, reverse Robin Hood economics and contempt for government.”
Archbishop of conservative causes (and all things baseball) George Will marvels that our president “has entered his eighth decade unscathed by even elementary knowledge about the nation’s history.”
U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley earlier referenced our future president fondly as offering “the siren call of the angriest voices,” seeing him as “a man that chooses not to disavow the KKK.” Her fellow cabinet member, Rick Perry, once lauded the same man for the healing powers of his message, calling them a “cancer on conservatism.” Republican members of the Senate likewise agree he is the greatest of all American presidents. Ever.
Sen. Ben Sasse is impressed by how the president weaponized distrust, while Sen. Ted Cruz celebrated his consistency, describing him as a “pathological liar.” Sen. Lindsey Graham regularly testifies to the president’s character, at various times calling him a “jackass,” “race-baiting, xenophobic religious bigot,” “nutjob,” and “what is wrong with American politics.”
Former Louisiana GOP Gov. Bobby Jindal quickly recognized the president’s mojo, labelling him “a madman who must be stopped.” The Christian Post, an evangelical media outlet, has been witness to the president’s leadership, describing him as “dangerous,” a “misogynist and philanderer,” “a scam” and someone who never sought God’s forgiveness.
Russell Moore, who directs lobbying and policymaking for the Southern Baptist Convention, described him as morally destitute as Hillary Clinton and as a purveyor of “reality television moral sewage.” North Carolina Christian activist Michael Brown described him as offering the choice of “putting nationalism first” over the “kingdom of God.”
Rod Dreher in the May 2017 American Conservative described the president in biblical terms, suggesting he had become the object of idolatry. He prophesied that it was “beyond delusional” to think someone as “robustly vulgar, fiercely combative and morally compromised as Trump” would restore Christian morality and social unity.
No less than 75 evangelical leaders called him “morally unacceptable to us as evangelical Christians.” George W. Bush was subtler, but his admiration was clear, telling Matt Lauer that it makes it hard to criticize dictators abroad if we are not ourselves willing to tolerate an “independent free press.” Joy Beth Smith, formerly of Focus on the Family, joyfully wrote of Trump’s “nauseating” comments about women.
Now, can we all agree our Great Leader is big-league normal? As for your conscience, it can join the libtard snowflakes in a timeout.
This originally appeared in the July 12, 2017 Waco-Tribune Herald, where David Schleicher is on the Board of Contributors.