Trump Pardons Press Conference


By Gallagher & Schleicher

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States…

Great to be back in New York with all of our friends and some great friends outside the building, I must tell you. We’re here today to talk about infrastructure. The kind of infrastructure that will make Heaven embarrassed that its streets of gold are not classy enough. No distractions today from infrastructure. You’re going to beg me not to make bridges so nice. Really.

Have you met Hope Hicks, my new press girl? Easy on the eyes, or what? You never saw a press girl like that with Obama, I can tell you that for sure. I was looking. Wasn’t there.

REPORTER: What makes you think you can get an infrastructure bill? You didn’t get health care, you didn’t get tax reform…

The people deserve it; frankly our country deserves it. We can’t just pave over the past. Like the way they treated General Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville. One of our great generals, the greatest really.

REPORTER: Pardon me, but how do you plan to bring the country together.

I’m going to reveal a great plan to do that, to the media, both real and fake media, by the way. You guys keep asking me about pardons. Nobody cares about pardons. It’s to distract from the Democrats losing bigley, the worst defeat in world history. Really. It was beautiful.

REPORTER: Mr. President—

Now I’m going to announce some pardons today. Look at General Kelly over there, head down, crossing his arms. What a great reputation he had. All gone. All gone.

If you didn’t see what I just tweeted on the bathroom break, it’s all there. Effective immediately. Officially, by me the president, who has the power to pardon. Pardoned for any so-called crimes they committed before I was elected, last night in New Jersey for example. Also for any crimes they may commit in the future, in Maryland, for example.

Next, all the confederate generals. They fought bravely for us. Trying to help American workers by not letting everyone in the wage pool. It’s a deep pool. It really is. All the statutes, or statues, or whatever, they’re all pardoned. Taking down our great metal idols, many of them put up by Senator Jim Crow or whoever. You saw it on the videos, confederate generals being decapitated in an egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence. It has no place in America.

REPORTER: Mr. President, are you supporting the white nationalists?

Excuse me. Take it nice and easy. A Nazi salute here and there and you all freak out. Welcome to America. We let everyone speak their mind here. It’s a great country.

REPORTER: What about the protestor who told the reporter “This city is run by Jewish communists and criminal nig—-s”?

Everybody kids around. I like to give Jared a hard time. He’s Jewish. Made my daughter one too. They don’t take it personally. Lighten up. Ben Carson. He’s the black in my cabinet. He’s okay with it. Really. But let’s focus. I came here to talk about pardons and I’m going to do it.

Don Junior. He’s a good kid. Dumber than a box of rocks. Pardoned for setting up meetings with Russian spies. Not his fault. Thought they were Russian mobsters. Nobody knew Russians could be so complicated. And pardoned for the perjury he’ll commit before the grand jury.

Back to Jared. Really a good kid. Smart. Handles money really well. He’s pardoned for trying to set up a secret channel to the Russians that couldn’t be detected by the American intelligence community. So he could launder money. Do you wonder why they call themselves the “intelligence community”? Dumbest people I’ve ever met. I’m bringing a lot of cleaning jobs back to America. I’ll leak the details about Jared’s so-called crimes to the failing New York Times, if Bannon doesn’t do it first.

Jeff Sessions and Ivanka. One of them is pardoned. I won’t say which due to nepotism rules, but it’s the really hot one. Pardoned for stealing emoluments and anything else the fake media accuses her of. Trump International Escorts, which by the way I have no hand in, no part of at all, charges extra for emoluments, so I don’t see why it’s a big deal. Sad. Really sad.

REPORTER: How much do you expect the infrastructure improvements to cost? $100 billion?

The pardons are given out freely. Sheriff Joe Arpaio isn’t paying me anything for his. All he had to do was disobey a judge and round up some people who looked like rapists from Mexico. The constitution calls it the balance of power. Judges interpret the law and I cut them out of it.

In cases where there are many sides, I will pardon those on the right side. The right has fine people, and I see them because I watch the videos, too. I will not pardon the wrong side. You can count on that. I can’t pay for the legal defense of everyone who marches with their arm in the air and a tiki torch, but I can pardon them. If you don’t want to march and instead make a little side money from infrastructure projects, there’s a pardon for that too. Call my foundation for details.

My final pardon is for Mike Pence. He survived that perversion therapy and is a great American now. Someday he’ll get the chance to pardon me too. Do unto others, like it says in two Corinthians.

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David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, DC, and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym.

In response to being called a “dumb butt…” (advice on eliminating elitists)

elite

By Schleicher & Gallagher

As two recovered cosmopolitans, we were relieved and flattered by the praise heaped on our latest column in a letter to the editor by our friend Jim Johnson. Our transition from “smart aleck to a dumb butt” and what he labels “perpetual SOS drivel” came only with effort and meditation and the support of friends, family and the wider community. Thank you.

Johnson’s eloquence tied in nicely with a more recent article that warned Waco downtown development could bring in “a population of very intelligent and culturally aware people.”

We are all too aware of the dangers such hubristic interlopers pose. For years we were beguiled by the cosmopolitan agenda, visiting, working and living in a collection of elitist-infested swamps: Washington, D.C., London and, in our formative years, Austin. The risks, we know all too well, are not imaginary. Photography exhibitions. Lectures on astrophysics. Dim sum.

Take it from us: The steep slide to iniquity starts innocently with a poet or two, or a freelance graphic designer, before descending into chaos: open-air opera, pop-up art shows and literary festivals.

Check the cosmopolitans at the gate with a few simple policies:

  • Shun the newcomer: Think not of a new neighbor as someone who may add spice to the melting pot but as an existential threat. Promptly confront new ideas. Phrases like, “Well…as someone who was born here, I…” or “You’re not from here, are you?” can quickly bring them to heel.
  • Pigeonhole the stranger: When you meet a visitor, don’t ask something that would be routine in larger cities around the world like, “Where do you work?” or “What do you do?” Instead ask, “And where is your church home?” (Don’t let the fact you’ve only been twice in the last year stop you.) This has the benefit of allowing you to label people at the same time as making them feel unwelcome if their “church” is a synagogue, mosque or backyard hammock.
  • Assail the arts: Whether complaining of high ticket prices (i.e., over $10), having street musicians arrested or defacing public murals, it’s imperative to abjure the arts. They draw the crème de la crème like flies to… well, you know.
  • Cancel your subscription: Your local newspaper tends to ask hard questions, promote phonological promiscuity (AKA “excessive reading”) and some days even runs editorials on the opinion page that you may not agree with 100 percent. Remember, if you don’t know about the serious crimes your neighbor or council member was arrested for, it can’t keep you awake at night.
  • Question ethnicity and accents: When encountering someone who looks or talks differently than you, press them on it. For example, a newcomer might tell you she moved to Waco from Los Angeles because of watching “Fixer Upper.” Respond with, “But where are you really from?” as if you will only believe her once she mentions another country, like Mexico. (PS, assume you have no accent.)
  • Presuppose everything you do is typical: Look dubious and disgusted when someone new to town finds your traditions curious. For example, someone may ask you to explain what the “Waco Cotton Palace Pageant” is. Treat them as peculiar and perhaps a little dangerous for inquiring why people still dress up once a year in Civil War-era outfits, dance around and crown a king and queen for which the king is generally twice or more the queen’s age.
  • Begrudge the tourist: Every tourist is a potential future resident. To play it safe, never offer them directions or water, treat their every error as intentional and don’t miss a chance to honk the horn when they cross in front of you.

Wherever you live, simple acts like these can play an important part in seeing to it that your property value does not rise, your horizons are unexpanded and the local unemployment rate maximized. Change may be inevitable, but only in the conurbations. There’s no drivel so sweet as parochial poppycock. Trust the word of a “dumb butt” on that.

 

Of eight cities, David Schleicher has lived the longest in Waco. David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England.

[This column originally was posted online by the Waco Tribune-Herald on August 11, 2017 and appeared in its print edition on August 12, 2017]

Let’s Make History Great Again (Trump’s Speech to the Founding Fathers)

by David Gallagher and David Schleicher

ADDRESS TO THE ANNUAL GATHERING OF GHOSTS OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS
THE HON. DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES

It’s really great to be here among so many important people in American history. I see you’re all ghosts. Sad! Lots of people tell me you’re mostly top quality. We’d party at Mar-a-largo. If you weren’t so dead. And had more money. Your wives…some were very hot. Beautiful. Very nice. But also too dead.

First the good news. America is still going. We did that together. Made a new country. Great, really great. Lots of people calling to congratulate us. It’s an honor. It really is. The bad news — your democracy acts like it’s been on Obamacare. Very sick. Pitiful, really. Lots of other countries laughing at it. Feeling sorry for it. Pull the plug, as they say.

You have to take some blame for that. Some of your crazy ideas, that is. “Free speech.” What’s that? Nothing’s really free. Right? “Separation of powers.” Divide and get conquered. Why would you separate powers? “Independent judiciary.” Judges who can do whatever the hell they want. Of course, that’s a fail. A big fail. They got no boss, so they screw around a lot. Losers.

Which is why I’m here today. After my hugely successful speech to the Boy Scouts. They also had some values. Did you see the size of that crowd? They turned all the girls away because there was no room for them. Wall-to-wall people. Very nice. I heard Tiny Jeff Sessions was there, too, but nobody could see him standing behind those boys. He’s so little. I’d be embarrassed if it was me. He’s useless to me now. What’s the word? Beleaguered. That’s it. So very beleaguered.

Anyway, the Fake News Media won’t report all that. They’ll say I forgot why I was there. Talked crazy. Rambled. That I don’t know why I’m here either. But I have a teleprompter. Classy. Like a real president uses. Very professional. Expensive — do you know how expensive these things are? And The Mooch is in my ear. Like voices in my head. New guy at the White House.

He’s telling me to stick to the teleprompter. I’m his boss. I can ignore him. Or fire him. Or he’ll quit like little Jeffy Sessions keeps promising to do. How many of you want me to fire The Mooch now? I mean, right now?

But back to those ideas of yours. They’re old-fashioned. Modernize. Like me. Have you seen what the polls say? About your “big ideas”? Very unpopular. Low. In-the-basement low. Lowest ever. You’re dead with dead ideas. No heartbeat at all. Ideas you came up with 100 years ago. No wonder nobody cares about them anymore. Boring. A lot of people don’t know the Constitution is that old. As old as the Styrofoam it was printed on.

I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Boy Scouts, they’re young, so I had to tell them. The facts of life. A little bippety-bop on a yacht. That story will stay with them forever. There’s a reason they made me an Eagle Scout when I was just 6 years old. A rigged system, but I played the game. Got all my ribbons and stuff. Very impressive, people were saying.

Forgot to tell the Scouts about going backstage at the Miss Universe contest. I saw panties. Very pretty ones. Lace. Should have given me a ribbon for that! Makes me wish I was a teenage boy again! The girls were going crazy. “Oh, Mr. Trump, you’re in our dressing room!” I think they liked the attention.

Scaramucci is shouting in my ear again. Should I fire him, folks? Seriously. I mean, right now? No, he tries. He really tries. But about your ideas. I call them “values” because they should be on sale. On the 100-year-old bread rack. Pennies on the dollar. Forget your values. Give them away if you have to. Closeout!

We need some new ideas. Not girly “let’s-work-together” ideas from Crooked Hillary. And definitely not “yes we can” from Barack Hussein Obama. An African Muslim, you know — bet you didn’t expect that. Would have outlawed it. Don’t worry. Won’t happen again. You got something right — control who votes. Very smart. You’re not as dumb as people say. I like you. Electoral College. Your other good idea. So the little guy could beat out the elite masses. Modeled on Trump University.

Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness. People are still alive. And still free to do whatever they want. Smoke, work in coal mines, shoot each other, chase out people who don’t look like them. I pursue happiness every day. Especially if Melania is out of town. Grab the day, like they say in Latin.

The one big idea is loyalty. Really expensive. A valuable value. Loyalty to me. Not run-of-the-mill loyalty. It’s a two-way street. From the people to me. My kids to me. Really three-way street — everyone to my kids, too, when they’re being loyal to me.

Coastal elitists in ivory towers write history books. You know the type. Really ugly wives. Like fives. No woman wants them. No surprise. No money. These losers say you were disloyal to the crown king. That you thought the rule of law was better than what happiness the king wanted to pursue. Rule of law is one of those stupid things. Lawyers can’t be put in charge. They’re in it for the money. That’s all. Sad!

Have you heard my lawyers? I should fire them. They’re nice people, though. The law rule is gone now. I wouldn’t be winning so hard if the law was so great. I’m right. I hear cheering. They think I’m right.

I know you want big crowds. To be real popular. Who doesn’t? There are still polls to be taken. Fun to see yourself on TV. If they don’t lie about you. I’m a big producer and my advice is stop whining about “democracy.” It’s Latin for “what the people want.” That’s me. What they really want.

I’m making the country inalienable. Sending them all back to Mexico. I’m like a real president. Getting rich in the process, like you all did. Nothing wrong with that. That’s three good ideas you had. #3—inventing the dollar. Everything else is for losers. The Democrats are very envious.

Thank you for your support. God bless me and, for really the first time in history, let’s make America great again.

(Whereupon the Founding Fathers collectively rolled over in their graves and resumed their eternal slumber.)

David Gallagher is a Texan working in public relations in London. David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at TheContranym.com.

[This column originally appeared in the Waco Tribune-Herald on July 29, 2017.]

Jesus-Loving, Trump-Loathing and Other Surprises

How much time is wasted by liberals snidely attacking our collegiately elected president? Moreover, how much longer must we tolerate them riling up citizens against someone who simply wants to Make America Great Again? I used intelligent design to poll some of these radicals and was given these answers: 12 years, 15 years and 49 years. Wow!

Surely they don’t think I am so ignorant of history to not realize that even these responses are chock-full of insults, referring, respectively, to the years in power of Hitler, Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro. Typical left-wing arrogance and colossal exaggeration! Enough already!

Thus I’m declaring a timeout for the remainder of this column regarding all those single-payer-loving-hip-hop-listening-Unicorn-Frappuccino-drinking-urban-coastal-living-track-jacket-wearing hooligans. For once, let’s listen solely to patriotic Republicans and conservatives who love this country more than any of those Maoists ever could. Let these right voices find common ground on which all Americans can stand.

We start with Peter Wehner, an evangelical who served in the previous three Republican administrations. He reassures us the president is “a man who believes in little or nothing, who has the impulse to burn down rather than to build up… an institutional arsonist.”

Then there’s columnist Jennifer Rubin, who we can trust because liberals tried to get her fired in 2013 for “parrot[ing] and peddl[ing] every silly right-wing theory to come down the pike in transparent attempts to get Web hits.” Rubin now praises the president’s agenda as “a peculiar mix of xenophobia, pro-Russian genuflecting, reverse Robin Hood economics and contempt for government.”

Archbishop of conservative causes (and all things baseball) George Will marvels that our president “has entered his eighth decade unscathed by even elementary knowledge about the nation’s history.”

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley earlier referenced our future president fondly as offering “the siren call of the angriest voices,” seeing him as “a man that chooses not to disavow the KKK.” Her fellow cabinet member, Rick Perry, once lauded the same man for the healing powers of his message, calling them a “cancer on conservatism.” Republican members of the Senate likewise agree he is the greatest of all American presidents. Ever.

Sen. Ben Sasse is impressed by how the president weaponized distrust, while Sen. Ted Cruz celebrated his consistency, describing him as a “pathological liar.” Sen. Lindsey Graham regularly testifies to the president’s character, at various times calling him a “jackass,” “race-baiting, xenophobic religious bigot,” “nutjob,” and “what is wrong with American politics.”

Former Louisiana GOP Gov. Bobby Jindal quickly recognized the president’s mojo, labelling him “a madman who must be stopped.” The Christian Post, an evangelical media outlet, has been witness to the president’s leadership, describing him as “dangerous,” a “misogynist and philanderer,” “a scam” and someone who never sought God’s forgiveness.

Russell Moore, who directs lobbying and policymaking for the Southern Baptist Convention, described him as morally destitute as Hillary Clinton and as a purveyor of “reality television moral sewage.” North Carolina Christian activist Michael Brown described him as offering the choice of “putting nationalism first” over the “kingdom of God.”

Rod Dreher in the May 2017 American Conservative described the president in biblical terms, suggesting he had become the object of idolatry. He prophesied that it was “beyond delusional” to think someone as “robustly vulgar, fiercely combative and morally compromised as Trump” would restore Christian morality and social unity.

No less than 75 evangelical leaders called him “morally unacceptable to us as evangelical Christians.” George W. Bush was subtler, but his admiration was clear, telling Matt Lauer that it makes it hard to criticize dictators abroad if we are not ourselves willing to tolerate an “independent free press.” Joy Beth Smith, formerly of Focus on the Family, joyfully wrote of Trump’s “nauseating” comments about women.

Now, can we all agree our Great Leader is big-league normal? As for your conscience, it can join the libtard snowflakes in a timeout.

This originally appeared in the July 12, 2017 Waco-Tribune Herald, where David Schleicher is on the Board of Contributors.

Bathroom Bill Rises Again

You dare to suggest that a special session of the Texas Legislature to address the “bathroom bill” is unnecessary, wasteful, perhaps even reflective of a deviant obsession? Fear not: a list of other topics for the session has now been released and they are likewise indispensable to the daily survival of all Texas constituents:

“The Confederate Bill” — to ensure that removed Civil War statues are properly housed in the storage unit for “Losing Side of Bravery” and not accidentally “Losing Side of Slavery.”

“The Leviticus Bill” — to prevent importation of consumer products combining a shampoo, conditioner and dandruff treatment in one bottle in violation of Bible verses about scabs on the head.

“The HDMI Bill” — to eliminate the dangers posed by a spouse unnecessarily pressing the “source” button on the remote and leaving you unable to binge-watch “House of Cards.”

“The ADHD Protection Law” — to protect someone from triggering your attention deficit disorder by sitting nearby and using one of those spinner things to treat theirs.

“The Infidelity Bill” — to prohibit people from literally applying the infidelity test in the biblical book Numbers (see Chapter 5, Verses 11-31). Caution: It is promised to result in an abortion in cases of unfaithfulness.

“The YOLO/ROFLMFAO Law” — to ban teens from using social media acronyms that you do not understand, that you then attempt to use yourself and which later subject you to extreme shame by said teens.

“The Seed-Not-Weed Bill” — imposing a state jail felony on anyone who might happen to get the dumb idea to try smoking, snorting or injecting Butterfly Milkweed (Asclepias tuberosa). Disclaimer: Don’t even speculate about it.

“The Adumbra Solis Bill” — to prevent burns to your thighs caused by your significant other borrowing your car windshield sunshade without your pre-approval.

“The Star-Spangled Freedom Bill” — to prohibit ridiculing those who have lived in the United States for over four decades yet still do not know the words to the national anthem.

“The Remains of the Day Bill” — to ban your housemates from the practice of leaving a tablespoon or less of ice cream in an otherwise empty container in the freezer.

“Bricked Phone Prevention Act” — to bar parents from attempting to snoop on a teen’s phone in the middle of an operating system update, thereby causing the phone to have to be reset to factory condition.

“10-2-4 Law”—proscribing the serving by public establishments of any beverage containing prunes other than Dr Pepper.

“The Local Control Bill” — directing city councils and county commissioners to adopt only measures that state legislators find innocuous and ineffectual.

“Polar Bear Protection Act” — prohibiting the melting of glaciers and any warming of the planet that would be inconsistent with the first chapter of the book of Genesis.

“Healthcare for All Texans Bill” — replacing state participation in Medicaid and Medicare with lowering statewide blood-pressure levels by banning the watching of Fox News and MSNBC between the hours of 5 p.m. and 10 p.m.

“The Magnolia Market Law” — requiring Chip and Joanna Gaines to continue appearing on “Fixer Upper” till tax revenue from visitors to Waco has reached $1 million.

“The Freedom for Firearms Act” — prohibiting Texas citizens and visitors from disparaging guns and those who use, own or contemplate them.

“The Anti-Umbrage Enhancement Bill”—banning the practice under which the portion of vegetables exceeds the serving size of steak on the same plate.

“The Journalist Protection Act” — making it a hate crime to fail to elect candidates who assault journalists for asking difficult questions like “What do you think of the Congressional Budget Office numbers regarding the latest health care bill?”

I trust this resolves any question about whether your Legislature is full of perverts who care more about political grandstanding than they do issues like the economy, educating our children and the struggles of hardworking Texans.

David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at TheContranym.com. This piece originally appeared in the June 11, 2017 Waco Tribune-Herald, where David is on the Board of Contributors.

“Your Hair is Like a Flock of Goats” and Other Unpresidented Bible Verses

As I was putting together my next column, a Facebook friend urged me to get off my six-month rant against You-Know-Who. But what else—who else—to write about?

Though assumed by some of my readers to be a godless crank who never cracked open a religious text in my life, I actually grew up an evangelical Southern Baptist who spent hours a day in prayer and Bible study. Facing the difficult choice of my next topic, let’s reach back to a practice from my teen years: flip open a Bible to a random verse for direction. You may consider that silly, sacrilegious, or both, but I relied on it multiple times back in the day.

As someone who believed every word in the Bible was literally true, I accepted the admonition from the Old Testament book of Proverbs that “the lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.” In other words, even the roll of the dice is in God’s hands. To me, flipping open the Bible and reading a random verse thus was not so crazy after all. Today I’ll give it up to 15 separate verses to give me an idea for a topic. (I’ll leave out citations to books/chapters/verses to improve flow, but doubting Thomases can check my work at biblegateway.com, using the New International Version setting.)

Here’s the first one: “Your rulers are rebels, partners with thieves; they all love bribes and chase after gifts.” Hmmm…let’s try the next: “People who have wealth but lack understanding are like the beasts that perish.” A third: “If a ruler listens to lies, all his officials become wicked.” A fourth: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” On to the fifth: “A tyrannical ruler practices extortion, but one who hates ill-gotten gain will enjoy a long reign.” No discernable pattern so far.

Let’s try some more: “The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools.” Seventh: “the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” Still at a loss; here’s the eighth: “A false witness will not go unpunished, and whoever pours out lies will perish.” The ninth? This interesting one: “Moses saw that the people were running wild and that Aaron had let them get out of control and so become a laughingstock to their enemies.” The tenth—“See, I will make you small among the nations; you will be utterly despised.”

Curses—foiled again. We’ll give it one more round. Eleventh: “Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes.” Twelfth: “From whom do the kings of the earth collect duty and taxes—from their own children or from others?” Thirteenth: “His mouth is full of lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.” Ay mi dios! Running out of chances here…

Fourteenth: “When the wall collapses, will people not ask you, ‘Where is the whitewash you covered it with?’” One final chance…fifteenth…“Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.” That’s a peculiar one. And very disappointing.

Fifteen random Bible verses and not a single one that has anything to do with the problems of the modern world. I suppose I’ll turn on cable news and look for a muse there instead. The columns won’t write themselves.

David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at http://www.TheContranym.com