by David Gallagher and David Schleicher
ADDRESS TO THE ANNUAL GATHERING OF GHOSTS OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS
THE HON. DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES
It’s really great to be here among so many important people in American history. I see you’re all ghosts. Sad! Lots of people tell me you’re mostly top quality. We’d party at Mar-a-largo. If you weren’t so dead. And had more money. Your wives…some were very hot. Beautiful. Very nice. But also too dead.
First the good news. America is still going. We did that together. Made a new country. Great, really great. Lots of people calling to congratulate us. It’s an honor. It really is. The bad news — your democracy acts like it’s been on Obamacare. Very sick. Pitiful, really. Lots of other countries laughing at it. Feeling sorry for it. Pull the plug, as they say.
You have to take some blame for that. Some of your crazy ideas, that is. “Free speech.” What’s that? Nothing’s really free. Right? “Separation of powers.” Divide and get conquered. Why would you separate powers? “Independent judiciary.” Judges who can do whatever the hell they want. Of course, that’s a fail. A big fail. They got no boss, so they screw around a lot. Losers.
Which is why I’m here today. After my hugely successful speech to the Boy Scouts. They also had some values. Did you see the size of that crowd? They turned all the girls away because there was no room for them. Wall-to-wall people. Very nice. I heard Tiny Jeff Sessions was there, too, but nobody could see him standing behind those boys. He’s so little. I’d be embarrassed if it was me. He’s useless to me now. What’s the word? Beleaguered. That’s it. So very beleaguered.
Anyway, the Fake News Media won’t report all that. They’ll say I forgot why I was there. Talked crazy. Rambled. That I don’t know why I’m here either. But I have a teleprompter. Classy. Like a real president uses. Very professional. Expensive — do you know how expensive these things are? And The Mooch is in my ear. Like voices in my head. New guy at the White House.
He’s telling me to stick to the teleprompter. I’m his boss. I can ignore him. Or fire him. Or he’ll quit like little Jeffy Sessions keeps promising to do. How many of you want me to fire The Mooch now? I mean, right now?
But back to those ideas of yours. They’re old-fashioned. Modernize. Like me. Have you seen what the polls say? About your “big ideas”? Very unpopular. Low. In-the-basement low. Lowest ever. You’re dead with dead ideas. No heartbeat at all. Ideas you came up with 100 years ago. No wonder nobody cares about them anymore. Boring. A lot of people don’t know the Constitution is that old. As old as the Styrofoam it was printed on.
I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Boy Scouts, they’re young, so I had to tell them. The facts of life. A little bippety-bop on a yacht. That story will stay with them forever. There’s a reason they made me an Eagle Scout when I was just 6 years old. A rigged system, but I played the game. Got all my ribbons and stuff. Very impressive, people were saying.
Forgot to tell the Scouts about going backstage at the Miss Universe contest. I saw panties. Very pretty ones. Lace. Should have given me a ribbon for that! Makes me wish I was a teenage boy again! The girls were going crazy. “Oh, Mr. Trump, you’re in our dressing room!” I think they liked the attention.
Scaramucci is shouting in my ear again. Should I fire him, folks? Seriously. I mean, right now? No, he tries. He really tries. But about your ideas. I call them “values” because they should be on sale. On the 100-year-old bread rack. Pennies on the dollar. Forget your values. Give them away if you have to. Closeout!
We need some new ideas. Not girly “let’s-work-together” ideas from Crooked Hillary. And definitely not “yes we can” from Barack Hussein Obama. An African Muslim, you know — bet you didn’t expect that. Would have outlawed it. Don’t worry. Won’t happen again. You got something right — control who votes. Very smart. You’re not as dumb as people say. I like you. Electoral College. Your other good idea. So the little guy could beat out the elite masses. Modeled on Trump University.
Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness. People are still alive. And still free to do whatever they want. Smoke, work in coal mines, shoot each other, chase out people who don’t look like them. I pursue happiness every day. Especially if Melania is out of town. Grab the day, like they say in Latin.
The one big idea is loyalty. Really expensive. A valuable value. Loyalty to me. Not run-of-the-mill loyalty. It’s a two-way street. From the people to me. My kids to me. Really three-way street — everyone to my kids, too, when they’re being loyal to me.
Coastal elitists in ivory towers write history books. You know the type. Really ugly wives. Like fives. No woman wants them. No surprise. No money. These losers say you were disloyal to the crown king. That you thought the rule of law was better than what happiness the king wanted to pursue. Rule of law is one of those stupid things. Lawyers can’t be put in charge. They’re in it for the money. That’s all. Sad!
Have you heard my lawyers? I should fire them. They’re nice people, though. The law rule is gone now. I wouldn’t be winning so hard if the law was so great. I’m right. I hear cheering. They think I’m right.
I know you want big crowds. To be real popular. Who doesn’t? There are still polls to be taken. Fun to see yourself on TV. If they don’t lie about you. I’m a big producer and my advice is stop whining about “democracy.” It’s Latin for “what the people want.” That’s me. What they really want.
I’m making the country inalienable. Sending them all back to Mexico. I’m like a real president. Getting rich in the process, like you all did. Nothing wrong with that. That’s three good ideas you had. #3—inventing the dollar. Everything else is for losers. The Democrats are very envious.
Thank you for your support. God bless me and, for really the first time in history, let’s make America great again.
(Whereupon the Founding Fathers collectively rolled over in their graves and resumed their eternal slumber.)
David Gallagher is a Texan working in public relations in London. David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at TheContranym.com.
[This column originally appeared in the Waco Tribune-Herald on July 29, 2017.]
How much time is wasted by liberals snidely attacking our collegiately elected president? Moreover, how much longer must we tolerate them riling up citizens against someone who simply wants to Make America Great Again? I used intelligent design to poll some of these radicals and was given these answers: 12 years, 15 years and 49 years. Wow!
Surely they don’t think I am so ignorant of history to not realize that even these responses are chock-full of insults, referring, respectively, to the years in power of Hitler, Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro. Typical left-wing arrogance and colossal exaggeration! Enough already!
Thus I’m declaring a timeout for the remainder of this column regarding all those single-payer-loving-hip-hop-listening-Unicorn-Frappuccino-drinking-urban-coastal-living-track-jacket-wearing hooligans. For once, let’s listen solely to patriotic Republicans and conservatives who love this country more than any of those Maoists ever could. Let these right voices find common ground on which all Americans can stand.
We start with Peter Wehner, an evangelical who served in the previous three Republican administrations. He reassures us the president is “a man who believes in little or nothing, who has the impulse to burn down rather than to build up… an institutional arsonist.”
Then there’s columnist Jennifer Rubin, who we can trust because liberals tried to get her fired in 2013 for “parrot[ing] and peddl[ing] every silly right-wing theory to come down the pike in transparent attempts to get Web hits.” Rubin now praises the president’s agenda as “a peculiar mix of xenophobia, pro-Russian genuflecting, reverse Robin Hood economics and contempt for government.”
Archbishop of conservative causes (and all things baseball) George Will marvels that our president “has entered his eighth decade unscathed by even elementary knowledge about the nation’s history.”
U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley earlier referenced our future president fondly as offering “the siren call of the angriest voices,” seeing him as “a man that chooses not to disavow the KKK.” Her fellow cabinet member, Rick Perry, once lauded the same man for the healing powers of his message, calling them a “cancer on conservatism.” Republican members of the Senate likewise agree he is the greatest of all American presidents. Ever.
Sen. Ben Sasse is impressed by how the president weaponized distrust, while Sen. Ted Cruz celebrated his consistency, describing him as a “pathological liar.” Sen. Lindsey Graham regularly testifies to the president’s character, at various times calling him a “jackass,” “race-baiting, xenophobic religious bigot,” “nutjob,” and “what is wrong with American politics.”
Former Louisiana GOP Gov. Bobby Jindal quickly recognized the president’s mojo, labelling him “a madman who must be stopped.” The Christian Post, an evangelical media outlet, has been witness to the president’s leadership, describing him as “dangerous,” a “misogynist and philanderer,” “a scam” and someone who never sought God’s forgiveness.
Russell Moore, who directs lobbying and policymaking for the Southern Baptist Convention, described him as morally destitute as Hillary Clinton and as a purveyor of “reality television moral sewage.” North Carolina Christian activist Michael Brown described him as offering the choice of “putting nationalism first” over the “kingdom of God.”
Rod Dreher in the May 2017 American Conservative described the president in biblical terms, suggesting he had become the object of idolatry. He prophesied that it was “beyond delusional” to think someone as “robustly vulgar, fiercely combative and morally compromised as Trump” would restore Christian morality and social unity.
No less than 75 evangelical leaders called him “morally unacceptable to us as evangelical Christians.” George W. Bush was subtler, but his admiration was clear, telling Matt Lauer that it makes it hard to criticize dictators abroad if we are not ourselves willing to tolerate an “independent free press.” Joy Beth Smith, formerly of Focus on the Family, joyfully wrote of Trump’s “nauseating” comments about women.
Now, can we all agree our Great Leader is big-league normal? As for your conscience, it can join the libtard snowflakes in a timeout.
This originally appeared in the July 12, 2017 Waco-Tribune Herald, where David Schleicher is on the Board of Contributors.
You dare to suggest that a special session of the Texas Legislature to address the “bathroom bill” is unnecessary, wasteful, perhaps even reflective of a deviant obsession? Fear not: a list of other topics for the session has now been released and they are likewise indispensable to the daily survival of all Texas constituents:
“The Confederate Bill” — to ensure that removed Civil War statues are properly housed in the storage unit for “Losing Side of Bravery” and not accidentally “Losing Side of Slavery.”
“The Leviticus Bill” — to prevent importation of consumer products combining a shampoo, conditioner and dandruff treatment in one bottle in violation of Bible verses about scabs on the head.
“The HDMI Bill” — to eliminate the dangers posed by a spouse unnecessarily pressing the “source” button on the remote and leaving you unable to binge-watch “House of Cards.”
“The ADHD Protection Law” — to protect someone from triggering your attention deficit disorder by sitting nearby and using one of those spinner things to treat theirs.
“The Infidelity Bill” — to prohibit people from literally applying the infidelity test in the biblical book Numbers (see Chapter 5, Verses 11-31). Caution: It is promised to result in an abortion in cases of unfaithfulness.
“The YOLO/ROFLMFAO Law” — to ban teens from using social media acronyms that you do not understand, that you then attempt to use yourself and which later subject you to extreme shame by said teens.
“The Seed-Not-Weed Bill” — imposing a state jail felony on anyone who might happen to get the dumb idea to try smoking, snorting or injecting Butterfly Milkweed (Asclepias tuberosa). Disclaimer: Don’t even speculate about it.
“The Adumbra Solis Bill” — to prevent burns to your thighs caused by your significant other borrowing your car windshield sunshade without your pre-approval.
“The Star-Spangled Freedom Bill” — to prohibit ridiculing those who have lived in the United States for over four decades yet still do not know the words to the national anthem.
“The Remains of the Day Bill” — to ban your housemates from the practice of leaving a tablespoon or less of ice cream in an otherwise empty container in the freezer.
“Bricked Phone Prevention Act” — to bar parents from attempting to snoop on a teen’s phone in the middle of an operating system update, thereby causing the phone to have to be reset to factory condition.
“10-2-4 Law”—proscribing the serving by public establishments of any beverage containing prunes other than Dr Pepper.
“The Local Control Bill” — directing city councils and county commissioners to adopt only measures that state legislators find innocuous and ineffectual.
“Polar Bear Protection Act” — prohibiting the melting of glaciers and any warming of the planet that would be inconsistent with the first chapter of the book of Genesis.
“Healthcare for All Texans Bill” — replacing state participation in Medicaid and Medicare with lowering statewide blood-pressure levels by banning the watching of Fox News and MSNBC between the hours of 5 p.m. and 10 p.m.
“The Magnolia Market Law” — requiring Chip and Joanna Gaines to continue appearing on “Fixer Upper” till tax revenue from visitors to Waco has reached $1 million.
“The Freedom for Firearms Act” — prohibiting Texas citizens and visitors from disparaging guns and those who use, own or contemplate them.
“The Anti-Umbrage Enhancement Bill”—banning the practice under which the portion of vegetables exceeds the serving size of steak on the same plate.
“The Journalist Protection Act” — making it a hate crime to fail to elect candidates who assault journalists for asking difficult questions like “What do you think of the Congressional Budget Office numbers regarding the latest health care bill?”
I trust this resolves any question about whether your Legislature is full of perverts who care more about political grandstanding than they do issues like the economy, educating our children and the struggles of hardworking Texans.
David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at TheContranym.com. This piece originally appeared in the June 11, 2017 Waco Tribune-Herald, where David is on the Board of Contributors.
Letters to the editor correctly label my columns “boorishly inartful,” full of “vapid generalities,” “esteemed ramblings,” and “abhorrent.” Direct messages to me declare them “trash.” Readers rightfully urge me to be kinder and gentler to our president, whom we all agree (apart from his pride, greed and lust) is a good Christian man. The most recent such letter went so far as to unfavorably compare my writing to deceased American satirist H.L. Mencken’s.
Well, today all cries of “I’m melting! I’m melting!” shall grow quiet even from the most delicate of snowflakes these prior columns have offended. Today we return to the genteel days of yore, when satirists were less satirical and partisans less political. Today we search earnestly for a role model for my future columns from among our erudite ancestors. A no-obloquy zone.
First, let us consider the restraint I could learn from the aforementioned Mr. Mencken. In a 1920 piece for the Baltimore Evening Sun, he warned that on “some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.” What a relief this will never happen.
Or I could further study William Cowper Brann, whose Waco-based paper in the 1800s had a worldwide readership of nearly 100,000. He was fond of writing things like, “I have nothing against the Baptists. I just believe they were not held under long enough.” He explained he could not be gentler because you don’t “choke a bad dog to death with good butter.” On the other hand, people love their dogs, so this may be one offense too far. (Brann would no doubt be pleased to learn that three blocks from where he fell to a bullet in the back has arisen in downtown Waco Chip and Joanna Gaines’ glorious Magnolia Market.)
Then there is our most famous historical humorist, Mark Twain, who once wrote that he would be deeply grieved to learn that “any large number of sane and thinking and intelligent Republicans” did not despise Theodore Roosevelt. It was Roosevelt who regarded it as “morally treasonable to the American public” to announce there must be no criticism of the president, so I trust he enjoyed Twain’s remarks as much as some understandably loathe my columns.
Or perhaps I can follow the lead of our Founding Fathers, whose political discourse had not been poisoned by the evils of social media. Take John Adams who — like all his peers — was full of nothing but piety and propriety. He described Hamilton as suffering from a “superabundance of secretions, which he couldn’t find enough whores to absorb.” Of our beloved first president George Washington, Adams declared it “beyond dispute” that he was “illiterate, unlearned, unread…” Jefferson shared the love, labeling Adams “a hideous hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.”
I pledge a return to the big league, classy writing of days gone by. Ponder the description of Harper’s Weekly magazine of President Lincoln as a “Filthy story-teller, Despot, Liar, Thief, Braggart, Buffoon, Usurper, Monster, Ignoramus Abe, Old Scoundrel, Perjurer, Robber, Swindler, Tyrant.” Before the Deep State, government officials deferred to presidential power, like General George McClellan calling Lincoln “a well-meaning baboon.”
The ill will in past columns I pledge today to replace with the sort of compassionate conservatism Ann Coulter displayed for our prior president (and those with intellectual disabilities), referring to Obama as “retarded” and “The Retard.” I take a lesson from her big-hearted insights, like tweeting after the election that “Without fat girls, there would be no protests.”
I shan’t here mention the name of our current president, but I also might follow his lead. He reverently referred to his predecessor as “the most ignorant president in our history,” “a disaster” and “one of the worst presidents in the history of our country.” (I refrain from mentioning the Muslim, Kenyan, founder of ISIS stuff.) Future columns also shall heed high-brow commentary of other elder statesmen such as Lyndon Johnson. He said Gerald Ford was so “dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.”
I shall foreswear future ridicule of presidential hair, such insults being a tacky modern invention dating back solely to the 8th century B.C. That was when the prophet Elisha (per the Old Testament) directed bears to maul the young hooligans who taunted him with cries of “Get out of here, baldy.”
If you can’t join me in being at least that kind to modern leaders, I lovingly question whether you are among the “haters and losers” the world’s most famous tweeter so often constructively criticizes. Let us join hands and in unison affirm these wise words of support from a former leader of Haiti: “The president is here, strong and firm as a monkey’s tail.”
David Schleicher is a member of the Board of Contributors at the Waco Tribune-Herald, where this column originally appeared on May 2, 2017.
Using little but an ordinary time machine, I obtained this transcript of Donald Trump’s Aug. 8 resignation speech. Disclaimer: he (or Melania?) might have cribbed some of it from President Nixon.
“Good evening. I’m speaking to you from the Oval Office. It’s amazing. Not as nice as Trump Tower, but classy. Really classy. Every decision I’ve made here is the most important decision made in American history.
“All the decisions I’ve made have been made to help the economy, whether properties I own, or ones owned by ordinary Americans like Ivanka and Jared. To protect those interests, I wanted to stay your president for as long as possible, until one of my kids could take over when I retire.
“In the past few days, it has become evident the haters and losers in Congress are tired of winning. When I had support there, I was willing to see the impeachment process to the end, to prove they’re all morons. But keeping me from getting embarrassed is more important than anything the voters or the USA need. A lot of experts agree with me on that. From talking with members of Congress, I conclude I won’t have the votes to get anything passed. Not even sneaky, middle-of-the-night kind of stuff.
“If that wasn’t bad enough, I heard that Putin has sold a video to Netflix. Or maybe Amazon. Taken in a Moscow hotel room. Sad! Before any of you see that, let me remind you that Putin is a Muslim who was born in Kenya. Total loser. The video is fake news. Never happened. And my hands are a lot bigger than the camera shows. And that’s vodka they’re pouring on me. I mean not pouring on me. Pouring on someone else.
“I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. My tremendous, very, very strong body. But I have to put my interests first. If I lose money, the economy goes down. And I pay fewer in taxes. Fewer than zero even.
“I can do better than be president. Bigger league things. So I get rid of the presidency at noon tomorrow. Mike Pardon will become president. I mean Pence. Mike Pence. I know I — I mean you — will be in his good hands. Not huge hands like mine, but somewhat big ones.
“He’s a good Christian man. The kind who will forgive and forget. Forgive even people who commit treason. A random example . . . say, having an enemy interfere in a presidential election in exchange for easing up a bit on sanctions. Mike’s a forgiving church person. He understands that’s not so much treason. It’s just alternate loyalties.
“If you have been offended by anything I have said or done, like having the hugest inauguration crowd in history, or keeping people who pray or look different from me getting in or staying in the USA, I deeply regret you are so easy to offend. If some of my judgments were wrong, well . . . they weren’t. I thank my family, friends in the FSB and Alex Jones for standing with me. Until yesterday.
“And to the haters and losers, I leave with no bitterness. I know you are just being selfish and calling it patriotism. I mean watch your back and stuff, but no big deal. Really. Try a good night of sleep.
“A lot of people are calling for some sort of monument to me to be built. It doesn’t matter to me. Whether the White House lawn. Or on top of the Capitol, or blocking the view of the Washington Monument. Any of those is good. Or all of them. I got no ego on this. Or Mount Rushmore too.
“I’ve never failed at anything and this is one of them. Like President Truman said, ‘The buck stops in my pocket.’ I pledge to keep doing what I have always done. Lining those pockets. Grabbing women by the poodle. The difference is you won’t get a news alert on your phone every time I do it. May God be good to you like he does for me every day.
This column originally appeared in the April 21, 2017 Waco Tribune-Herald, where David Schleicher is on the Board of Contributors.